Interdependence
Interdependence refers to how much you need dependency or a "couple identity" with your partner.
You are highly interdependent in relationships. This means that you desire – and perhaps even demand – a substantial degree of physical and emotional connection with a partner and other loved ones. Those connections and interactions can be frequent and superficial or they can be deep and meaningful. And you are probably attracted quickly to someone who you can deeply respect and even emulate to a degree. In fact, it is typical for a person in this score range to consider how a particular romantic partner might reflect on his/her own family and friends. All of this does not mean that you do not need personal space now and then; nearly everyone values being unique and different from others in some respects. However, people in this range draw considerable strength, comfort and sense of identity from close relationships. You like to know about virtually all aspects of your partner’s life. Thus, when you feel close to someone this person becomes an extremely important part of who you are on the inside and outside. You probably prefer that you and your partner’s recreational activities be shared together since you like having your partner physically close and desire showing off your “couplehood” in public. Bottom line: you need someone who responds to the fact that you enjoy the reassurance of physical contact and emotional sharing, but who helps keeps dependency in check in the relationship so that you two do not lose your identities as individuals and whose character is deserving of your loyalty and affection.
Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “interdependency” needs with potential partners:
“What degree of possessiveness do you think is healthy in a relationship?”
“Tell me all about your philosophy or view on PDAs (‘Public Displays of Affection’) “
“On any typical night out with your friends, would you prefer to have your partner there with you or not?”
Food for Thought! PlentyofFish wants you to know about some idiosyncrasies the assessment identified in you. These are issues for you to contemplate on your own or explore with a professional relationship/dating coach.
Issues you seem to Over-value
It upsets me when I do not know all of my partner’s coworkers . Possible reasons you responded this way include negative motivations and positive motivations. On the negative side, it could mean that you are a jealous, insecure or possessive person, that you do not appreciate time away from your lover or that you worry because you distrust your partner’s judgment and taste in friends. On the positive side, it could mean that you tend to be in tune with all current aspects your partner’s life and personal interests, that you are not overly trusting of others, that you do not up rigid boundaries with romantic partners or that you take time and have the motivation to connect with your partner and learn about his/her history.
Having frequent periods away from my partner is important to me. Possible reasons you responded this way include negative motivations and positive motivations. On the negative side, it could mean that you tend not to be in tune with all current aspects your partner’s life and personal interests, that you value privacy and personal space at the expense of being insensitive to a partner or that do not want your partner to participate in your personal activities or interests. On the positive side, it could mean that you are not a jealous, insecure or possessive person, that you appreciate time spent away from your lover to add balance to your life or that you value personal or professional development.
Intimacy
Intimacy refers to the how much you need emotional closeness with your partner.
You have emotional intimacy to offer a partner – but that intimacy is expected to grow gradually over time. People in this scoring range are open with a partner when it comes to lessons learned from past experiences and relationships. You long for emotional closeness and security with a special person. In fact, you probably would feel uncomfortable if there were serious secrets kept from your partner. You likely see a partner as a best friend and your foremost confidant. There is likely no hesitation discussing current problems or concerns with that person. It also seems that you have realistic expectations for a committed relationship. However, you are acutely aware of the risks that come with intimacy. You may find yourself frequently wondering whether your devotion and adoration will be reciprocated or whether your partner’s feelings will change. For this reason, people in this scoring range frequently neither lower their guard completely nor allow themselves to be fully emotional vulnerable. Bottom line: you need someone who will understand and accept a slow pace for emotional intimacy with you and provide frequent reassurance of their feelings and intentions as the relationship is taken to progressive levels.
Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “intimacy” needs with potential partners:
“What levels of self-disclosure have occurred at various stages of your past relationships? – and if you could do any of it over, what would you do?”
“How often do you have the experience of meeting someone and trusting them so completely that you share just about everything about yourself at the first meeting?”
“What kind of reassurance and feedback do you like to give and receive in a relationship?”
Self-efficacy
Self-Efficacy refers to your self-image, stability of mood and level of motivation.
You have good levels of self-esteem, sense of self and a sense of accomplishment. It seems you are acutely aware – but accepting – of your strengths and weaknesses. Likewise, you likely feel that people who are important in your life understand you. But people in your scoring range tend to be comfortable not giving in to peer, family and other social pressures. Family is indeed important to you, but their expectations do not strongly influence your life. Instead, people who score like you tend to have their own well-defined ambitions and goals – and may even set specific benchmarks to monitor the progress made toward achievements. You probably have a strong sense of control over your life and are decisive in managing it. You are also probably very influential and persuasive with others. In fact, your family, friends and acquaintances may often come to you for ideas of guidance across a range of issues. Bottom line: you need a partner who has a good degree of energy, enthusiasm and self-efficacy like you, as opposed to a partner who needs constant nurturance and reassurance to feel empowered and valued as person.
Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “self-efficacy” needs with potential partners:
“Do your positive qualities outweigh your faults? Why or why not?”
“Do you ever feel guilty when you do not meet the expectations of your family or friends? Explain”
“Are you the type of person who likes to stand out in a crowd or go totally unnoticed?”
Relationship readiness
Relationship Readiness refers to how prepared you are emotionally, psychologically and pragmatically for a committed relationship.
In some ways, you may not be fully ready for a committed relationship. You seem to feel a fair degree of comfort and grounding in your life right now. In fact, most people in this range have a clear vision and a sense of purpose for their life. They also feel in control, but sometimes that sense of control can be fleeting or a false sense of security. For example, it is often the case that people in this scoring range need to address unresolved issues that can interfere with them having the life and relationship they want. These could be financial or legal issues or even physical, emotional or health issues. It may also be the case that you are seeking a relationship primarily to fill a void in your life or to gain a feeling of acceptance and belonging that was weakened or lost due to other relationships that ended or disappointed you. Bottom line: you need someone who will be patient and supportive as you figure out your needs rather than who will rush the relationship prematurely.
Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “relationship readiness” needs with potential partners:
“Responding candidly, what are your strengths and weaknesses as a friend?”
“What are the most important responsibilities you have to a romantic partner?”
“Do you feel offended or rejected when a partner asks for time, space or privacy to take care of some personal business?”
Food for Thought! PlentyofFish wants you to know about some idiosyncrasies the assessment identified in you. These are issues for you to contemplate on your own or explore with a professional relationship/dating coach.
Issues you seem to Under-value
My physical, mental or emotional health does not interfere with having the life and relationship that I want. Possible reasons you responded this way include negative motivations and positive motivations. On the negative side, it could mean that you are self critical, you are overly needy and attention-seeking or that you are a person who must always manage ongoing stressors. On the positive side, it could mean that you are always striving for personal growth and achievement or that you are realistic about your life’s circumstances.
Communication
Communication refers to your approach to interpersonal interactions and level of emotional intelligence.
Effective communicators have strong emotional intelligence, and you seem to have an excellent level of emotional intelligence. It is expected that you show considerable tolerance of ambiguity and emotional expression. You have the capacity for being extremely sensitive to other’s feelings and to their body language. Those who know you well would probably describe you as patient and eager to listen to others. People in this scoring range are also not afraid of making or admitting to mistakes. They consistently and bravely show vulnerability to others. In fact, they are keenly aware how their behavior impacts others. You can communicate your needs and feelings honestly when someone engages you directly, but you may not always take the initiative to be assertive with others. In this sense, it is likely that you seek to understand others, rather than seek for others to understand you. Bottom line: you need someone who will not put up emotional barriers when you seek to understand his/her thoughts and feelings, but rather will communicate with you intimately and candidly.
Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “communication” needs with potential partners:
“Do you ever feel afraid that once a romantic partner gets to know you really well, that s/he will like who you really are or will think less of you?”
“Do you find it difficult to trust a romantic partner completely? Explain”
“Would you feel uncomfortable telling your partner about things in the past of which you felt ashamed?”
Food for Thought! PlentyofFish wants you to know about some idiosyncrasies the assessment identified in you. These are issues for you to contemplate on your own or explore with a professional relationship/dating coach.
Issues you seem to Under-value
I pause for a moment to reflect on what a person has said before reacting or responding. Possible reasons you responded this way include negative motivations and positive motivations. On the negative side, it could mean that you are overly decisive and jump to conclusions, that you are a “black-or-white” thinker, that you are judgmental and do not give others the benefit of the doubt. On the positive side, it could mean that you do not avoid conflict or that you are assertive and open with your thoughts and feelings.
Conflict resolution
Conflict Resolution refers to your stress management and problem solving skills.
Effective conflict resolution has nine general elements: View Conflict as Positive; Address Conflict in the Proper Atmosphere; Clarify Perceptions; Note Needs, not wants; Draw on the Power of a Positive Partnership; Focus on the Future, then learn from the past; Identify Options for Mutual Gain; Develop ‘Doables’ or stepping stones to action; and Make Mutually-Beneficial Agreements. Your score indicates that you are fairly strong on all of these basic elements, except for Making Mutually-Beneficial Agreements. This suggests that you are very flexible and action-oriented when addressing problems, yet not so eager to find resolution that you settle for quick, temporary agreements. Settling on a temporary agreement is often a way of avoiding conflict, and it can lead to needs not being met. You do not seem to avoid conflict; instead you appear to evaluate the possible solutions and then actively engage your partner to work on a positive outcome for the relationship. Bottom line: you need someone who will join you in taking time to find a complete and genuine resolution to issues as opposed to avoiding conflict by settling for quick, temporary agreements.
Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “conflict resolution” needs with potential partners:
“Would you say that you have a hard time accepting that some mysteries in life just can not be solved? Explain”
“Does it help you to solve problems by thinking of your own past experiences and knowledge in new ways?”
“In your experience, does knowing too much about a problem hinder or help you resolve it?”
Sexuality
Sexuality refers to your needs (frequency, boundaries, expressions) related to physical intimacy.
Scientific models of love and attachment always include physical chemistry and sexuality. It is a crucial topic for any couple to address, because it involves issues of control and vulnerability. People at your scoring level have a firm sense of their sexual orientation, preferred sexual activities and comfort level. You like sex that is romantic, adventurous and fun, but for you sex is not a casual event. Sex has great importance in your relationship, and it is reserved for someone you love. You may think your sexual preferences would be viewed as conservative by others, but you are no prude. You are confident in your own sexual ability and are open to try various activities. In fact, you probably like to experiment actively. A defining characteristic of people in this scoring range is their willingness to be vulnerable and relinquish control in the bedroom to their partners. In other words, you are not sexually selfish – you like to focus on pleasing your partner and submitting to his/her desires. Bottom line: you need someone who regards sex as a meaningful bond between people in love and who appreciates being the center of attention in the bedroom.
Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “sexual” needs with potential partners:
“Would you eagerly talk to your partner about your sexual fantasies?”
“Is it like you to direct your partner what to do in bed so s/he knows best how to please you?”
“In your mind, is there any difference between ‘having sex’ and ‘making love’?”
Attitudes toward love
Attitudes Toward Love refers to your level of needs for romantic love and friendship love.
There are two main types of love – Romantic Love and Companionate Love. Romantic Love is passionate, emotional and intense, whereas Companionate Love is a deep, affectionate attachment. People feel these two types of loves to different degrees in a relationship, and the levels of each can fluctuate over time. You scored as someone who may be best described as “a “hopeless romantic with a touch of realist.” This means that you do value the safety, security and comfort of Companionate Love, but for you a relationship must have a strong dose of Romantic Love. In this sense, you desire someone who is on the same wavelength as you –sharing similar attitudes, moods and impulses. It is common for people in this range to view their partner as a soul mate – a person who you were destined to meet and fall in love with. This attitude of “love conquers all” is optimistic and sweet, but it is not productive to remain in a “love daze” and idealize your partner constantly. Seeing a partner and relationship while only wearing rose-colored glasses can prevent you from identifying and addressing problem areas in the relationship. Bottom line: you need someone who satisfies the hopeless romantic in you but who will insist that you take time to get to know each other well before the taking the relationship to next levels.
Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “love attitude” needs with potential partners:
“In choosing a partner, do you believe it is best to love someone with a similar background? Explain”
“If you truly love another person, is that enough to marry or otherwise have a committed relationship with that person?”
“How do you feel about the notion that ‘common interests are really unimportant; as long two people are truly in love, they will adjust’?”
Food for Thought! PlentyofFish wants you to know about some idiosyncrasies the assessment identified in you. These are issues for you to contemplate on your own or explore with a professional relationship/dating coach.
Issues you seem to Over-value
When you are in love, your judgment is usually not too clear. Possible reasons you responded this way include negative motivations and positive motivations. On the negative side, it could mean that you can not maintain a realistic perspective at times, that you are impatient and give in to impulses or that you are inexperienced when it comes to relationships. On the positive side, it could mean that you form deep attachments or that you allow yourself to get passionate with another person.
Issues you seem to Under-value
It is hard for me to say exactly when friendship turns into love. Possible reasons you responded this way include negative motivations and positive motivations. On the negative side, it could mean that you do not see your lover as your friend and confidant or that you are not in tune with your feelings or those of your partner. On the positive side, it could mean that you are patient, that you are not manipulative or that you focus on your partner’s needs before your own.
Preferred Expressions of Affection
Preferred Expressions of Affection refers to your likes and dislikes for different ways a partner can express love and devotion.
There are many ways in which people show affection to their loved ones: physical touch, doing favors, spending time together, giving gifts or communicating love through words. Statistically, you gave higher weighted ratings to Gifts. Bottom line: You need someone who can express affection through tangible surprises – such as fun gifts s/he makes, souvenirs purchased on business trips or beautiful tokens or presents that show s/he remembers and celebrates special occasions.
Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “affection” needs with potential partners:
“Is it more like you to surprise a partner with single, extravagant gifts or shower the person with little gifts or surprises here and there?”
“Is it difficult for you to come up with personalized gift ideas for loved ones?”
“Do you think giving gifts is really just an attempt to buy someone’s affection?”
Out of the various modes of expressing affection, Time spent together received lower weighted ratings from you. Bottom line: This does not mean that you neither like nor need time with a partner. Rather, it suggests that you need someone who can show affection in ways other than just spending time with you – such as talking at home, taking leisurely strolls outside or extended road trips.
Next, PlentyofFish presents some customized probing questions to use “as is” or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your “affection” needs with potential partners:
“Have you ever taken off work early to spend some special with your partner or a loved one?”
“Have past partners consistently complained that you would frequently call to say you were running late for a date?”
“How much alone time during the week do you need with a partner to feel satisfied?”
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